Tuesday, October 18, 2011

lost

Every September I get a little lost.
A little lost and a lot sad.
There is something so great about being with kids in the summer.
We laugh.
We do whatever we want to do.
Library? OK 
Pool? No problem
Toy store? Zoom, off we go.

Every day is made up of a zillion fun things.
I soak in the minutes.
I love childhood.
I have adored being Kaishon's Mom through the years.
Truly adored.
As Kaish is growing, I realize my time of doing all of these things is nearing an end.
Even this summer, it was hard to get the kids to go to the park too much.
They used to love that place, and now...not so much.
So, anyway, I am sure you are wondering why I am posting about September when it is long gone, right?
Well, this year my sadness has lingered into October.
I am trying to be excited about middle school but-
I am totally failing.
A baby would make things better,
but Gary still says he isn't ready.
I tell him I am an OLD lady and I must produce immediately,
but he doesn't respond.
My best friend moved far away 2 years ago and I never recovered.
I miss her.
So, anyway....this is how I have been feeling lately.
Very sad and very lost.
Perhaps typing it here will make all the sadness go away.
What do you do to help you get over the blues?



36 comments:

Tracy P. said...

Aw Becky! I feel the same way about middle school. At the elementary people joke that they're going to set me up with an office. At middle school the only people who know who I am are the ones I've emailed with my needy parent questions. Someone with two high schoolers recently promised me that middle school is the hardest transition. To get over the blues? I don't know. I pray. Cry a little. Write it out. Then I go look for something pretty to take pictures of.

lifebythecreek said...

I go outside,sweet friend. I turn off the computer, I put down the camera, and I leave the cellphone behind. Because it's hard to hear that still, quiet voice when the world is so loud. email me .. with your phone#. p_dought at bellsouth dot net. We'll chat. xoxox... I love you.

Tracy P. said...

Oh, and old? I didn't have my kids 'til my late 30's. It was good. You have time.

Rachel said...

Awwww, sniff. This made me sad. I'm in such a state of chaos right now with little kidlets that it's hard to imagine a time when I'll be sad their growing up. Right now, I'm yearning for it ... but that's mainly because I'm desperate for a good night's sleep, lol.

Sarah said...

What gorgeous shots. I love these so much. :)Those colors are great. I go outside and take photos of the gorgeous nature around me.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I feel your sadness through this post. I hope that Gary will realize that no time will ever feel like it's the right time until it happens. I know what it's like to want to be a mommy again.

To get rid of the blues...go to the library during the tiny tots program and/or take a little one.

Hang in there, Becky.

kewkew said...

Great shots. I understand how you feel. Wouldn't know what I would do if I hadn't gotten remarried, my older children are 19, 18 and 15. I am homeschooling my young ones. I don't want to lose any special moments like a I did with the older ones.
Love if you could stop by and link up
http://totsandme.blogspot.com/2011/10/wordless-wednesday-october-18-2011.html

Roger Owen Green said...

I disagree that 'you have time'. I think you might see someone - a pastor, a therapist. Your sense of loss is palpable.
My salvation is my writing, and when I can't get to the computer, I'm mighty cranky.

ROG, ABC Wednesday team

Gigi said...

As someone else said, the middle school transition IS hard for both of you. And having the baby blues and your best friend moving away? You've got your plate full!

I'll be thinking of you.

Mark said...

I do the opposite of what Gary wants. I adopt another child. He sure is stubborn, isn't he? Fred's like that too. Except Fred also wants more children. So that's cool!
Take care of yourself.
m.

septembermom said...

Looking at your pictures and reading your words bring such a smile of gratitude to my face. Your blues will transform into something beautiful soon because you are a creator of "the beautiful" so often for others. Hugs

Formerly known as Frau said...

Becky....I feel your pain...change is hard. I wish Gary would give you a baby...come on Gary think of the fun you will have trying! It's a win win!

I eat to help with sadness....don't do that....used to drink..don't do that....sometimes shop...don't do that .....all those things spell trouble!

Pictures....spend time with your nieces and nephew get your fix there.
Have a great day!

Farmgirl Paints said...

my kids don't really play at the park anymore either. it is sad...the marching on of time. don't get me started on how much i miss my friends. to get over the blues i literally plead with God to help me. and He really truly always does. i also do everything i can to stay busy and have some kind of project. gets my mind off myself. sending you a giant hug my friend. this too shall pass.

Caseybumpinalong said...

I agree that you are due some amazing happiness soon, because you heap it on others so generously.

My sister-in-law, who has 18 children, said it was hard for her when her older kids got passed the "playground" stage. But now, they are graduated and some are beginning to "court" and start their adult lives, and she says it's even more fun and exciting than when they were younger. So, know that you have something to look forward to, once you get passed this transition time.

I get the blues some, too, mourning happier, more carefree days. Have you read Ann Voskamp's book 1000 gifts, yet? I found it to be a help. Bible study, prayer, and nature walks seem to help some, too. The upcoming holidays maybe will also help shake us out of the post-summer blahs.

Praying for you!

LOVE your pictures!

kelly said...

My heart goes out to you, Becky. My oldest is in middle school this year too, so I feel your pain. Sometimes when I get the blues, I just dive right in...play the sad songs, cry, feel sorry for myself...until it works itself out. I like what Lifebythecreek said too!

Dana @ Bungalow'56 said...

I have a sixteen year old and now junior high 12 year old, and a 9 nine year old. And honestly it just seems to get better. They are so much fun. We can do things that I enjoy, talk about interesting topics. I died at the park. I found that hard. Now we lunch together and watch the sports they play. Fill your house with Kaish's friends. Be the house they all want to come to and feel at home in. It will fill you up, and you will be too busy to be sad : )
Do something nice for yourself, and make an effort to find some close girlfriends. It will happen and this time will be long forgotten. I know, this post could have been me five years ago.
Dana

chubskulit said...

Mine are still young but I can already relate your feelings.

Nostalgic, is one of my ABC entries. Come by any time you get a chance. Have a great day!

Skeller said...

Becky -
I totally get it. Sep & Oct ARE hard. There must be something in the air this year. I'm still mourning the loss of summer - seems it went by so very quickly this year. And the school work - it just seems so hefty. ..

Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out said...

Amen sister! My boys are getting to the age where they prefer to hang out with their friends instead of Mommy. *sniff*

Sue said...

My best friend moved away ten years ago, and I STILL miss her. I am just not as happy as I was when she lived down the street.

And that was nothing compared to how I felt when I became an empty nester. Happily, that part has its upsides, too... a clean house and more time with my husband!

It is bittersweet to see our children grow up, especially when the ones who have been a joy to parent. But there are some wonderful benefits that you will begin to see. Having a teenage son can be a delightful (though at times, challenging) experience. And adult sons are the best thing ever!

Hang in there. And spend lots of time with your girlfriends because they will "get it."

=)

Christina (fivewalkers) said...

It makes me so sad to know that you are sad! I think it is because you are such a ray of sunshine and because I know what it is like to be sad. I wish for a new friend for you (where wish = will pray for)...I miss friends from seminary, and then my friend that I met last year and had to say goodbye to (she really lives in Senegal, Africa, but was home for a missionary furlough). Keep writing. Keep taking pictures. I wish I had better advice. It's hard to tell someone how to do something you yourself (me) don't quite know how to do. Somehow I keep getting up each day (usually). I love you like I know you. :) Sometimes I think blogging is hard because you identify with and make friends with people all over, but...there is no meeting for lunch or at the playground. Well. Consider yourself hugged.

The Incredible Woody said...

:(

I get on my bike and ride. There are no phones to interrupt, no work, no computers. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.

Carly said...

This is such an honest post! I sometimes have a hard time with this myself. I wish my boy would stay little forever, or that I could freeze time!

Jennifer said...

Sending (((hugs))) to you, Becky! My oldest is now in 9th grade. I do miss alot of the things we did when she was younger (and I cry about it sometimes when I look at old photos :) but there are new things to share now. It's different but good. You will find new things to share, I know it!

Sassy said...

"My best friend moved far away 2 years ago and I never recovered.
I miss her."

My best friend moved far away just a few months ago and this statement literally made be stop cold in my tracks. Will this really never get better? Will I always miss her this much? I was thinking over time things would get better. But when she left it took such a big piece of me. :(

I am so sorry you are feeling this too. I could go on and on about how I understand, but this isn't about me, it's about you. Just please know that you are not alone.

Many prayers and blessings!!

Susan said...

Oh bless your heart Becky!!

Well for one, you can read all these messages a couple of times.

You give out a lot so I'm sending some cyber hugs to you now.

I've felt the same way you are many times.

Thank God for JESUS! He's the friend who's closer then any brother/sister.

Praying you'll feel the love and prayers I'm sending your way right now.



...But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

(Isaiah 43:1-2 KJV)

Becca said...

oh my friend I'm so sorry you're feeling sad and lonely - I will pray for you!

Tamar SB said...

This is just so sweet! I agree, October is a month of mixed emotions, happy to be in a routine, but sad the year is almost over, happy the winter season is nearly upon us, but sad that time is flying by. It's more bittersweet this year since Noam's birthday (!) is around the corner!

M said...

I dream about warm weather :) Seems our little bit of summer lasted just that....oh....when's summer vacation?

Meryl said...

I think the hardest thing about being depressed is rising out. Music helps me sometimes; short term but fun projects, visits, and maybe talking to someone. I am so sorry you are so sad. Sometimes some warm sunny weather helps. Good luck, though and keep blogging. We're a supportive group!

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

Oh my that picture of the hot air balloon in the distance, it speaks volumes. I can feel your sadness, and I'm very sorry you're feeling blue for so long. When I'm feeling melancholy, I like to watch some favorite movies or read a good book or go shopping - not necessarily to buy anything, but rather to just be out among people. But that's just for day-long funks. It's harder when it's deeper and lasts so much longer. Transitions are hard, especially when they're the kind we don't really want. I hope you can talk Gary around to trying sometime soon. Sending love in the meantime.

Anita Johnson said...

September, October is hard for me too. I don't like things to end. I really don't like the cold and the lack of color in the landscape. What do I do? Pray first. And start projects. "When the going gets tough, the tough do projects". Currently I am designing new banners for church. Keep looking up...!

Jo Bryant said...

I am sorry you feel so lost - but with endings and change there are always beginnings - beginnings that can lead to a whole new vista. :)

TechnoBabe said...

Lots of hubby hugs help me and finding a new project helps. I cannot be tired mentally or physically when I am going through troubling times. So I have to take care of myself and get enough rest, less coffee, more water, lighter eating, comfort in clothes and shoes, and reaching out to old friends.

Teachinfourth said...

Sometimes music helps me out a lot, and also trying to spend time with those I love...hope you find a way out of your funk.

Jim said...

Isn't it amazing how we (older people) can fit right in with the kids and become kids again. It never leaves us.....we just become taller and 'wiser'(?).
What I am trying to say is all summer long you were a kid again Becky and loved every minute of it! No wonder you feel a little lost now.
It's tough being an adult....not to mention a parent! Not that I know about the parent thingy, just the adult part of it!
This is the exact part of being a parent that I would have had the most difficulty......letting go and watching them grow up. That's why you are a parent and I am not. You are better at it!